A few days ago, I returned from a week-long stay in England. My sister (who lives there with my brother-in-law) just had her first child, which warranted a visit to meet my new nephew.
It had been two years since I had seen either of them in person and over ten years since I had the opportunity to spend an entire week just hanging out. Other members of my family were also able to make the trip, so we spent our time catching up in a beautiful part of the world that I rarely get to see. We reminisced about the adventures we had when we were young, talked about what’s going on in our lives now and cooed over the sweetest baby boy I have ever met.
There were numerous things about this trip that deeply impacted me. I felt gratitude for being able to participate in a reunion with loved ones. I experienced frustration with my country when I saw how environmentally responsible England is (mandatory composting, intentionally higher gas prices and an overall lack of paper towels? YUP.) But the most significant emotion I felt was wonder: the world is so much bigger than I perceived it to be…. and surprisingly, I felt completely comfortable exploring the foreign terrain as well as my options regarding the future when I was there.
Sitting at home now, I find myself feeling like balloon that has slightly shrunk in size. Still afloat, but not as filled as it once was. I still love the family I have created for myself. I enjoy my friends and community. I am ready to get back into the swing of making art and creating change in the world around me, but I can’t help but consider: where am I headed?
Asking myself this question is opening a floodgate of many other questions that are not much smaller. Is my job sustainable? Hm. How long can my body withstand it’s physical demands? Uh. Do I want to continue my education? Maybe. Am I willing to do this in a country that might bankrupt me in exchange for a degree? …. Do I want to live in a place where the government doesn’t consider sick leave or health care a right? ….. …. ..
What is important to me?
Considering these tides have made me less than present. I am having conversations, but I am not totally there. What once had shine is now lackluster. I feel overwhelmed. The magnitude of choice and consequence have made themselves known; and I fear what might happen if I don’t figure everything out as soon as possible.
So from this place of uncertainty, yearning and perceived urgency where am I supposed to find the vital answers I seek?
It is a source with depth. It is often cryptic, but riddled with content. It is becoming more reliable the more I access it and is willing to speak if I’m willing to listen. It’s name is Intuition and it’s ever present energy is something I can always rely on, even if I cannot understand it at first… and this is exactly where magic crosses over into the mundane:
- When I am drying my hair, allowing the worry of not-knowing what lies ahead sweep me away, I can choose to ask myself: Am I trusting my inner Self to reveal truth when the time is right?
- When I am browsing the internet with my breakfast, flipping through pages of potential avenues to pursue, I can allow the warm sensation in my chest alert me of whether or not what I see is for me.
- When I lay in bed after a long day, feeling completely disconnected from the vision of my future, I can celebrate my bravery for handing my destiny over to the Universe and doing the one thing that has yet to fail me:
Having faith in my Self.
If only life were as simple as a small, personalized black book of concrete answers to everything we encounter… It’s a good thing that all the answers I will ever need lie within me.